Ending a relationship can be painful, shocking and very traumatic depending on the number of years that you spent with this person. There are some steps that you can take that will put you back on the road to recovery and soon enough you will start feeling like yourself again.
. 1. Grieve deeply and completely. As it was once said, you have to “let it burn”. You have to grieve because this is the death of your relationship and often times the loss of your best friend. It can be a trying transition going from being part of a couple to asking for a table of one. It takes time to process all the emotions that you will feel and you will have a lot of questions about why things when wrong even when the answer is clear. The 1st step towards recovery and getting your life back is to not bury your head in the sand and pretend that this relationship has a chance and that it is really over. Accepting the loss is the hardest part. It is human nature to want to believe that it can still somehow work out. No point in shooting a dead horse my Dad would say. He is right, it’s dead. Acknowledge the loss, cry, scream, shout, whatever you have to do to let go of the relationship and GRIEVE THE LOSS DEEPLY & COMPLETLY.
2. Grieve for the future you thought your marriage or relationship once had, which now will never be. Girls were taught since they were little to grow up and have the “dream”, the “fairy tale” that Prince Charming would come in and they would live happily ever after but in this case, it didn’t happen. When girls meet a guy they like they can become “dreamy” and start planning their entire future and imaging what their future would have been like with their guy, but when their dreams are shattered, it is hard to pick up the pieces and move on but part of recovery is not only grieving the loss of the mate, but to also grieve for “what could of been”. So many times people will stay in a bad situation or wrong relationship not because they cant get someone else, but because sometimes the hardest part of leaving someone is knowing when to STAY and when to LET GO. Let go of what “could of been ” too.
3. Identify and spend time with the people in your life who know how to listen to your feelings with complete love and acceptance. I know you are a strong person, but everyone needs someone to lean on sometimes. Keeping it all bottled up inside will potentially infect your heart with hate and you could eventually become the thing you despise most, jaded and bitter. Get a circle of friends that listen, support you and don’t judge you if you made bad decisions in this relationship. The last thing you need is a jealous friend or a hater trying to make you feel better.
4. Understand what happened in the relationship. Who knows how long it will take you to really reflect and find answers that will give you peace about what happened, but talking to to others that were privy to your relationship that can give you feedback could help.
5. Understand why you chose your former partner. People choose relationships for many different reasons, the most popular being “love.” But what many consider to be “in love” is not really love at all. Here are some of the reasons why people choose each other:
- A deep need to be wanted
- A lifelong struggle to meet someone and “save” them or “change” them
- A fear of being alone
- Material security
- For the good of the children
If you can honestly examine and understand why you chose your partner, you’ll be able to see the beginnings of the breakup at the inception of the relationship. You’ll also start to build understanding to be able to choose differently the next time around.
6. Forgive your partner, forgive yourself. This is probably the toughest step of recovery is forgiving yourself for feeling so stupid that you picked the wrong person and then forgiving them for hurting you. You have to forgive. I am not saying forget, learn something from it. Next time, listen to your 1st voice, your intuition and don’t ignore the red flags and maybe next time if it doesn’t work out you wont have to beat yourself up so bad.
7. Create distance between you and your ex-partner. Distance in real life, on social media, or events where you know you have mutual friends. Just stay away because when you are going through your break up you are very vulnerable and may be tempted to do something that would not be in your best interest like fighting with them or even reconciling if the reasons you broke up were bad enough.
8. Create a supportive community. Sometimes when you feel the WORST is the best time to help others because it will HEAL YOU in the process.
9. Resolve to learn everything about yourself and relationships. What did you learn from this relationship? What was missing? Was there too much of something else? Each relationship is a learning experience. I know for me my last break up was because he cheated. It hurt like hell because I was faithful to him. We are both in the same industry and so I felt humiliated too but at the end of the day, I realized that I went into the relationship saying that un-loyalty or cheating was a deal breaker and so when you put that out there upfront and you don’t stand by it you are basically saying to them that it is okay to cheat and that you have low self esteem to think you cant do better than a cheater. I was confused at first because I believe in the law of attraction and thought that since I was a faithful person, I would attract that. However with enough time, I realized God doesn’t always work like that. I think that the test was for ME not him. I said I wanted a faithful man and so I was faithful in a long distance relationship, but although he wasn’t, I look back on it now and realize God was testing me to see what I would do when he lived 2000 miles away and it wasn’t as easy to be faithful. I can hold my head up high because CHARACHTER is what you do when NO ONE IS LOOKING! I am convinced I passed my test and now I am super excited about the man God will put in my life now because I passed my test.
10. Take great care of yourself in the process. Try not to stay in bed too long depressed. Get out of the house, even if its just walking outside and feeling the sun on your face. Try to eat healthy, don’t over eat or starve yourself. You only have one body and eventually you will be over him or her and then you abused your body for nothing. Get a lot of sleep and just relax until your heart has healed.